So today is the 1st December, I have 28 days left to go (not that I’m counting!) At the moment I feel stuck in limbo. It’s a horrible feeling, to know that I’m going so soon but it feels like forever while I’m still stuck at work. It’s an exciting time too, Christmas is nearly here and I’m so happy I’m home this year spending it with loved ones.
I feel a sense of de ja vu. I’ve done this all before, quit my job, brought a flight and packed my life into a backpack. It was tough doing it the first time, the fear of the unknown, not knowing how I would cope or react to the long distance and travelling from country to country. Of course, I loved it so much I’m doing it all over again. This time though, it feels a lot more difficult. Not so much the fear, I know I’ll be fine when I get there. But its the actual leaving part and this dreadful limbo stage. I’ve been home now for 6 months and worked as soon as I got back to save up for my next trip. In that time being home I cannot tell you how much I’ve heard “So when are you going to settle down?” or ” Have you decided what career you want?” That constant nagging from family and friends wanting to know your next move immediately, which is just impossible when you don’t even know yourself. But then all this questioning and seeing friends with babies and mortgages makes you question your own decisions. Am I doing the right thing? Should I be wanting these things instead? I have definitely felt the pressure since coming back. Nowadays the majority of society believes that if you have a steady 9-5 job, an expensive flashy car and a new watch that you are deemed as ‘successful’. People place their values in the accumulation of material goods rather than placing value on memories and experiences. Each to their own, but I believe that having the balls to just quit your job, pack up your life and go, move to a brand new city, find a job to fund more travel and experience and ENJOY life is far more successful than looking at the same four walls day in day out, hoping to get noticed by your boss. It’s a sad life we live in now, and when I think about this I realise that, no, I shouldn’t be pressured into this. I should do what makes me happy. And right now that’s heading into the unknown, adventure, adrenaline and being completely free. That’s what I miss the most. The sense of pure freedom.
With all these doubts and worries about conforming to society, I’ve become afraid to leave but even more afraid to stay. People around me may not ever understand why, they think I’m completely crazy that I’d rather give up my kingsize bed for an airport floor, give up my car for a local bus and give up my wardrobe for a backpack. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to explain the buzz and enrichment you get from navigating your way through new countries, new languages and new cultures. The adventure of seeing the world and everything in it for the first time. The way your heart opens to new people and new places every single day. Its everything I crave. The scary thing is that part of me, deep down, knows I’ll never be able to live a ‘normal’ life in my small hometown again. It somehow becomes a part of you and you’ll always yearn for more. Maybe one day I will pluck up the courage to stay… but for now, adventure awaits.